Assorted thoughts update #6

[fitia]

I'm in the midst of nursing an incredibly lengthy and miserable burnout period that I'm having trouble seeing a way out of. Obviously, I'm constantly holding out hope that I'll find one; I'm (sort of) in therapy again, I'm slowly picking at a digital drawing after several months of no real creative output on that end (wow!); basically, I'm trying to Do Things. Though I'm still stuck in this state of like, up-and-down moods, without ever consistently "feeling good", so it's notttt looking too hot at the moment.

Another symptom of this is that it gets harder and harder to see the point in writing... anything, really, because the insecurity of anticipating audience response (negative, or outright lack of) is genuinely incapacitating when I'm in the dumps. That said, I do tend to feel better after writing something out, regardless of what happens with it, so I'm forcing out a journal entry in hopes that it'll fix me (or at least give me some relief!)

• Ability to read has been Dire lately, but I have managed to finish Emily of New Moon by L.M. Montgomery! The experience of reading it, around the end, was actually a lot more miserable than it should've been because a lot of the ending just kept reminding me of my own awful mental state, and the whole time I was like ughhh!!! I should be having FUN here, this is GREAT writing, I am so FRUSTRATED!!! Everything seems tainted by this goddamn burnout at the moment.

But anyways, quick thoughts on the book itself: this is the third full work of Montgomery's I read this year -- after giving The Blue Castle a try, and rereading Anne of Green Gables -- , and it's definitely my second favourite of the three. Despite my Problems. I've always enjoyed Montgomery's prose when it comes to landscape description: she really wrote like she was enamoured with everything she saw, and she was my first introduction to a book getting Gorgeous with it when it comes to language. There's a lot in EoNM that's reminiscent of AoGG, but I think Emily as a character is one I find more interesting than Anne. I like that she has sharper edges to her, and her journey as a child discovering her own love for writing and growing to be more discerning and critical of her work and aiming towards improvement is something that really resonated with me.

Funnily enough, I find both AoGG and EoNM a lot more... adult, and down to Earth, compared to The Blue Castle, which is among LMM's novels actually intended for an adult audience? I've been meaning to write my thoughts on that, some time, but it'll have to wait for when I no longer feel like a pile of sludge T_T

 

• Right now, I'm slowly making my way through a book on the Drefyus Affair, which I'd been meaning to learn about properly for a while now. It was written following the centennial of the year Dreyfus was officially cleared of all false charges against him, and serves as a kind of retrospective of the event's history, how that history was written, and the influence it had on the actual practice of history in France, of gathering evidence, of dealing with revisionism and falsification given the tug-of-war of establishing facts between the dreyfusard and antidreyfusard camps, etc etc. It's also a collection of essays, which each author treating the Affair and its social/cultural/political/historical impact under different lenses. I have a lot of fun with it, whenever I manage to actually sit down and read it. It's been interesting to get more insight into this massive event in contemporary French history.

• I made a letterboxd account recently, purely to lurk and read other people's reviews, and God is it really making me resent the whole Social Media aspect of interacting with any sort of art. All these bite-sized, witty comments meant first and foremost to gather likes taking up all the space in the top reviews... it's so annoying. Say something true and beautiful, etc etc. I've thankfully managed to hunt down the users posting longer, more substantial reviews that are actually a pleasure to read, but I am still bummed out for having to spend so long scrolling to find some interesting reviews of movies I personally just happened to watch.

• Speaking of movies! I managed to watch a couple good ones last month: I did rewatch the Star Wars original trilogy last month, I watched The Iron Giant (FANTASTIC kid's movie) and The Banshees of Inishering (this one requires a rewatch, but it did leave a lot of food for thought). Once again, though, I am having all of my current media experiences stained by the stupid burnout emotions, which did not make for the most fulfilling movie experiences... can I please be free.

And this is about as far as I can think to write. I've been doing and enjoying a lot more things than this one post would have you believe, and I really do hope I find the energy to talk about them eventually. My brain has been craving some meta/analysis posting for a while now, I just need to cope with all the bad feelings before I can get to that...

Comments

[elyusion]

I'm sorry you're not feeling the greatest lately </3 I hope things get better for you soon! I wish people at least accompanied their funny comments with their full thoughts on the movie -_- Say something true and beautiful for real.

[fitia]

Thank you <3 and sameeeee. If I wanted everyone's silly one-liners I'd just look on Twitter or something, like!!! Just tell me what you thought about the thing in detail!!!

[emeraldnebulae1]

Hope you feel better soon! It's good you're getting some help and talking to someone. This year has been stressful!!! I've been drifting a bit between wanting to make stuff and not seeing the point, but I find writing little notes to my dreamwidth kinda helps me be present and make a space for myself. It's sorta working to shake off my worries by working on my stories or building my website.

I might caution against too much concern over audience response, especially if you're not even particularly posting anything of controversy or whatever. Most of the time people are chill I find at least, but regardless of what you do encounter, you're gonna scramble your nervous system so bad anticipating stepping on a lego in the dark, and that's basically what's happening when you're expecting negative comments. You just don't know. Like, you can know you might get a bad comment, but if you turn on the light and just see the legos vs the... idk, stuffies on the floor, then you can just scoot aside the legos and pick up the stuffies. Idk if that visualizer helps at all. I've definitely felt fear of putting myself out anywhere. I had panic attacks posting because i would also have a ex that would get mad at me for posting, so i had to get over that association. I get the anxiety. x-x I hope you find a way to beat it with a stick and take control there. you deserve your own peace to think without your brain creating lego's for you to nav around.

Creativity is a cycle and our brains have cycles of frustration, joy, and despair, for whatever reason. Gotta feed ourselves good thoughts. I think its important we surround ourselves with good things, our favorite things, and make our favorite things feel loved by actually making them- and in turn, that helps us feel loved too!

bite sized comments offer almost nothing of substance for sure x-x really glad for places like this. Kind of ridiculous going into a space to read peoples thoughts on movies and getting a "yeah it was good" o-o "brevity is the soul of wit but your comment must have words in it" please!!

The Iron giant is so good! So nostalgic for me, it was my first movie! There was so much life in the Iron Giant, his desperation to learn and be safe for the tiny critters he became surrounded by. Such good stuff! Big robot learns to appreciate life and become a guardian of it and defy his own nature to do so. It figures I'm obsessed with robots now! xD

[fitia]

Thank you! Honestly, the idea of writing little notes on Dreamwidth sounds like a good one, maybe I should actually commit to posting on here a lot more.

And yeah, I've definitely known my anxiety over posting, over exposing myself to be at a degree that's a bit debilitating, and I've been trying my hardest to look for ways to handle it... I'd like to believe I'm handling it all better than I would have a couple years ago, though. Or even a couple months ago! It's a slow process, and I'm enduring as best as I can.

And that's all true! I've been trying to put myself out there and make some more friends in real life, for example. Again, baby steps, but as long as I'm making them I'm hopeful that I'll find my drive again.

AND REALLLLL. It really is so difficult to find people who can write what they think of a thing in detail outside of trying to get a few temporary laughs T_T I really am glad for this site, too, for encouraging more long-form posting that it feels like every other social media discourages nowadays.

The Iron Giant was so good and so moving! It makes sense to become obsessed with robots after having watched it, I feel like if I'd seen it when I was younger it would have changed my brain chemistry.

[seaglassgarden]

im so sorry you've been dealing with such long-lasting burnout!! i hope you get some relief and that therapy helps

im intrigued by your account of emily of new moon!! that's been on my list for a while but now im especially interested

and i agree with you about the letterboxd reviews. it feels like showing off rather than engaging with the art and helping others do so too

[fitia]

Thank you for your concern <3 I've definitely been doing better lately, so it has been helping!

I really loved Emily of New Moon!! Because of the state I was in when I read it, I fear I wasn't able to appreciate it as much as I should have, but the really good parts shone through regardless. I recommend it! Emily is such a delight.

And yes, it's something I find so frustratinggg. Ultimately it's the nature of any mainstream app to be given to clout-chasing, but knowing this doesn't any less dispiriting to encounter...